Communicating appreciation to coworkers impulsively, and with little forethought, can be more damaging than not doing anything at all. How many of us have been the recipient of a “Good job” comment from a leader who really has no idea what we do? Or been given a “reward” that has virtually no meaning to us or is given to everyone as a company-wide end of year bonus that felt more like, “Well, we need to do something.”
As a consultant and trainer who has worked with hundreds of companies, let me give you some practical tips to avoid “putting a foot wrong” when trying to show appreciation to those you work with.
1. The #1 Rule: Don’t fake it.The worst action you can take is to try to communicate appreciation when you truly don’t value the other person or what they do. Trying to fake appreciation is difficult because there is a context – previous interactions (or lack of them), prior comments (or facial expressions) in conversations – and consistency is key. Trying to act like you value a colleague (especially when they already know you don’t) undercuts your integrity and their ability to trust you and what you say about anything else. The best option: be quiet. Don’t say or do anything for now. (There are ways to find something you appreciate about them, but until you learn what they are, it’s best to stay silent.)
2. Don’t be vague. “Good job”, “I’m glad you are part of the team” and other similar non-specific generalities are a waste of breath and have virtually no meaningful impact on the recipient. These types of comments actually reflect your lack of forethought and willingness to put forth some effort to think about what you do value about your colleague. Alternative: Be specific about what they do (or have done) that you value, or comment on a personality characteristic they demonstrate which you appreciate. If at all possible, tie your comment to a recent, specific situation.
3. Don’t be inconsistent. The worst type of inconsistency is to praise the person one minute, and later in the day, criticize them for a mistake they made. The more common type of inconsistency is to show appreciation one time a year on Employee Appreciation Day or during their annual performance review. Solution: Try to regularly communicate specific appreciation for what they do and for character qualities they model. What is “regularly?” It partially depends on the context of your relationship, how long you’ve worked together, and the quality of your relationship. But clearly, it should be more than once every six months.
4. Don’t expect group feedback to meet the need. Many supervisors and leaders give positive feedback during team meetings or conference calls to the group at large. “Way to go! We met our goals for the quarter.” While this is a good start, group feedback doesn’t actually communicate appreciation to the individual team member for their specific actions. Make sure to identify the actions of individuals: “Shauna, thanks for working late to get all the data into the report so that we had it to present to the executive team at this morning’s meeting.” Group feedback tends to get lost on individuals, where they may not feel the comment relates specifically to them.
5. Don’t try to do it all yourself. In many organizations, supervisors have large numbers of people reporting to them and the responsibility of showing appreciation to everyone is too great a weight for any one person to bear. We teach leaders and team members how to show authentic appreciation in the ways meaningful to each person. Additionally, over time, we have found that many team members value acts of appreciation from colleagues as much as (if not more so) than those from supervisors and managers.
Key Reminders for Effectively Communicating Appreciation
Here are some reminders of core components of communicating appreciation to others effectively:
- Use their primary language of appreciation. Not everyone feels appreciated in the same way (or in the ways you do). Even though you may try to consistently show appreciation to others, you waste time and energy if you don’t know what is meaningful to them.
- Find and utilize the specific actions that are most meaningful to them. You can know a person’s language of appreciation and still miss the mark for them. Find out what type of Quality Time they like (and with whom), whether they prefer public or private praise, what Act of Service would be truly helpful, and what gift would make them feel that you thought of them.
- Remember: the “who”, the “when”, and the “for what” will all influence how much the appreciation shown impacts them. Being valued by a person they respect at the right time and in the correct setting, and for a reason important to them makes a significant difference.
Here’s a hint to help things go smoothly: after having team members take the Motivating By Appreciation Inventory, meet together as a team, share the results (via the Group Summary Profile) and discuss them together, letting people elaborate on and explain their answers.
