Listening well to others is typically not a strength for most of us. We tend to listen while doing some other task, or we are distracted by the conversation going on in our head (sometimes, organizing our thoughts to what we thought we heard). Good listeners are hard to find.
Recently, I found an excellent resource for improving my listening skills: the book by a new friend (J.R. Briggs) entitled The Art of Asking Better Questions . While there is a lot of excellent content (explaining different types of and purposes for questions), I want to share a list of questions to reflect upon that I found to be both thought-provoking and practically useful:
- When someone is talking to you, do you make people feel like you are interested?
- Do you think about what you are going to say while others are talking?
(we confuse listening with waiting to speak)
- When someone is talking to you, do you assume you know what they are going to say before
he or she is finished?
- Do you make judgment about what is worth listening to and what is not?
- Do you think of listening as instinctive rather than as a skill that requires making an effort?
- Do you ever pretend to be listening when you are not?
When I read through these, I think: “I have work to do”.
Also, consider this. As a psychologist, we were trained to listen for different levels of messages when people were communicating to us. a) First, there is the content (the “what”, or facts about the situation). b) Then there is the feeling the person has about the facts – this usually isn’t overtly stated but is communicated through their facial expression, gestures, and tone of voice. c) The meaning of what they are saying is captured in the phrase, “You feel _____ because _______.” This step is where a lot of miscommunication occurs because we either miss the true intensity of their feeling (furious versus irritated), or because we attribute the wrong reason for their emotional response. “No, I’m not frustrated because (X) happened. I’m frustrated because John didn’t let me know about it, and I found out from our client.” d) The relational message – what impact this has on our relationship – is the most difficult to “get” correct because it is almost always implied versus stated overtly. For example, “I need your help in dealing with this” or “I don’t need you to do anything except listen and support me.” (NOTE: Not all levels are communicated in every interaction – sometimes it’s “Just the facts, ma’am”.)
Practical Steps to Take
Information and understanding is good, but they only truly become helpful when we apply them in our daily lives. So, try these practical action steps:
*Read through the reflection questions above right before you have conversation or meeting with someone. Work on focusing on what the other person is attempting to communicate to you (and put your responses in the background).
*In your conversations with others, become more aware of the different levels of messages that may be present. Respond both to the content and the feeling (but focus just on the feeling they are experiencing, don’t try to figure out the “why” yet). Don’t worry if you get something wrong, most people will correct you. And at the same time, they will appreciate your effort in trying to listen and understand them.
Good listeners are hard to find. Become one, and your influence will grow with those you interact with (people like to be listened to!)
* * * * **
NOTE: Leadership and interpersonal skills training (on topics like this) are included in our Appreciation at Work Certified Workplace training. For more information on becoming an AAW Certified Workplace, click here.
